so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
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