and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
