CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
