Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Randomize
