I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
Let's get the cat blown out
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
Randomize
