Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
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