Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Randomize
