I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
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