I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
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