dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Your shirt... Was in my pants
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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