We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
I cannot find my penis.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
