I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
Is Jonathan Taylor Thomas a gay? I need you to google search it for me. Its important
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
