god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
