He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
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