I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Randomize
