just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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