is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
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