Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
did i walk over a car last night?
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
Randomize
