Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
Randomize
