Betty ford says i'm here all night
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
