y did u give ur computer a hand job?
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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