god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
