your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
Randomize
