my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
Randomize
