So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Come see our sink grown plant.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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