my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
Randomize
