I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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