After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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