I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
I wish there were birth control emojis
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Randomize
