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I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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