i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
