i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
