These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
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