fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
Wow, you were right... Weed does start conversations
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Randomize
