When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Randomize
