why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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