I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
