remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
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