So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
Cool, I just put that together. I didn't know if using a tie-died sub machinegun was too crazy
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Randomize
