I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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