god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
On this egg donor form, it asks "In the past 5 years, have you had sex for drugs or money?" It only gives a yes or no option and no place to explain myself. What do I do?
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
Randomize
