Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
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