Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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