My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
It's blow job season.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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