there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
