I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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