What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
