Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
Randomize
