I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
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