i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
Randomize
