from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
i was looking up hair salons in ithaca for the wedding and one is a hair salon/ sake bar! you can have sake or champagne while you get your hair done!
question, how would one sake-bomb while getting hair done without getting a horrible haircut?
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
It was like giving head to a cactus.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
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