I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
