good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
