i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
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